009. I'm in London, bitches!

title says all. jet lag setting in. nap time.

008. bruised soul.

"little alice fell down the hole, bumped her head, and bruised her soul."

I feel like Alice lately. like all the bad energy I've been feeling is gathering in my gut and it won't go away. So I cut, I starve, I binge, I snap, I cry, I break things, I break people, with words, not with actions. I have zero motivation to do anything.

But I've been on Tumblr, y'know just... Tumblin', I suppose is the correct verb. And I came across this picture that said, "Is what you're living for worth dying for?"

My family? Yes. They're being so supportive through everything, my mom especially.
My dog? Dorky, but yes.
My best friends? Of course. I'd do anything for them, including dying.
A job I actually like? Yes, because I don't want to be fucking miserable.
My boyfriend? ...I've never said this about anyone, but he's worth everything and more to me. I'd also do anything for him. I honestly would.

An eating disorder? Not worth the health issues.
Cutting? Not worth the scars.
Being depressed? Other than maybe writing some above-mediocre garbage, no. Being so sad that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning is not worth dying for. I don't like this feeling of almost drowning in my own sorrow. "Elizabeth" is Hebrew for "sea of bitterness" but I don't want to live up to that.

Living a happy and healthy life is worth it.

I feel a little bit better. I have to go to bed. I have a final in 7 hours.

007. spider

HOLY COW.
Pretty sure I just saw a spider.

Now I forget what I was going to blog about. ):<



Stupid spiders, ruining every-thang.

006. I need to bitch.

Warning: eating disorder stuff.

I'm sitting here, eating this AMAZING vegan 10 spice hummus and first thing I think of is, "woo, this is SO low in calories." And that reminded me of a meeting I had earlier with my psychatrist. He knows about the eating stuff.

After telling my parents about all the fun shit I've been going through, they set up appointments with my psychiatrist & the family psychologist. I had my appointment with the psychiatrist today and I feel like he wasn't really paying attention. He even told me, "You know alcohol has calories in it. So even if you starve yourself, you'll make up for it in calories in the alcohol."

NO SHIT.

It just angers me that because I'm not underweight or intetnionally throwing up that no one takes me seriously. People are continually telling me I'm a very intelligent, aware young woman. So how come when I'm telling you that "hey, I think I fit the criteria for EDNOS," I keep getting told, "Oh, you're fine. Just exercise and eat proper portions." IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

Here's what DSM-IV says:

Diagnostic Criteria for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified
(Adapted from DSM-IV-TR)

1. All diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except the menstrual cycle is normal.
2. All diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except weight is normal for height and age even after considerable weight loss.
3. All diagnostic criteria for bulimia nervosa are met, but the frequency of binges is less than twice weekly and for a duration of less than 3 months.
4. There are recurring efforts to compensate (such as self-induced vomiting) for eating only small amounts of food, but body weight is normal for height and age.
5. Regularly chewing and spitting out large quantities of food without swallowing.
6. Binge-eating disorder - regular episodes of binge eating, but with no recurring efforts to compensate, such as such as purging or excessive exercise.

I fit criteria numbers 1, 2, & 5. But, oh, Marlyn, what is the diagnostic criteria for anorexia? GLAD YOU ASKED.

Diagnostic Criteria for Anorexia Nervosa
(Adapted from DSM-IV-TR)

• Body weight is less than is considered normal for height and age. Weight is consistently less than 85% of that expected, which can be due to either weight loss, or failure to gain weight during growth.
• Despite being underweight, there is an intense fear of putting on weight and becoming fat.
• Refusal to accept low body weight as a problem, excessive influence of body weight and shape on self-worth, or a distorted body image perception.
• Amenorrhea (abnormal absence of a minimum of three successive menstrual cycles).

My BMI is 20.8 (EDNOS criteria number 2) and I still get my period regularly (EDNOS criteria number 1). But everything else is still there; I have had nightmares about getting so fat that I explode or turn into Violet from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and Oompla Loompas have to roll me away. Even though I'm trying to get better, there's still a part of me that says that 105 lbs at 5'7" is acceptable. That's a BMI of 16.4!

It really just pisses me off when adults are telling me that I'm so smart, so intelligent, so aware, then I'm like "Yo. I think I've got some fucked-up eating disorder." But because I'm not puking my guts out or starving myself so that I look like a walking skeleton, they shake their heads and say, "Nah, you're fine." NO. I'M NOT. THAT'S WHY I'M REACHING OUT FOR HELP. That's why I've kept this to myself for 2 years. I'm so aware that no one who can help me understands the hell I'm going through.

I'm really sick, so I'm going to go to bed now. /end rant.

005. Things to be happy about

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." -Frederick Keonig

My list of things to be happy about

I have a wonderful, supportive, loving family.

I have the best, weirdest, most loving friends that allow me to be my weird, wacky self.

I'm completely in love with a really amazing guy.

I got into a really tough school and I'm so lucky that they have such an understanding, wonderful faculty.

My major is something I love doing (RADIOOO), so I'll never have to work a day in my life.

I have my physical health (hopefully).

The sun is slowly rising over Selinsgrove right now.

I have a very comfy bed.

I have lots of tea I could make. :D

And CHOCOLATE I COULD EAT OMNOMNOM.

I have part-time jobs I like a lot.

Birds are chirping right now. (:

I have a special project in mind for my 2 best friends here at SU who are going through the same rough stuff I am.

I have been through dark times before; I can make it again.

Two words: Harry. Potter.

And SpongeBob SquarePants. (Go ahead & judge, bro. I love me some SpongeBob.)

The feeling of sand between my toes.

CHINESE FOOD.

LuAnn (formerly Jennifer, formerly Bleeker) is a pretty sturdy car, even for being almost 17 years old and having close to 235,000 miles on it.

Humor is the best ever.

Cuddling under a blanket during a rainy day and reading a book.

Watching a favorite movie over and over.

Philly chicken cheesesteaks.

How about just cheese? I love cheese.

Owls.

Robots.

Riot grrrl (The DJ and the music genre)

Alternative music

Feminism

Ramen noodles

Peanut butter

Volkswagen cars

Subaru cars

My brother, who knows everything there is to know about cars.

The Ramones

The Clash

Comfy sweaters

Albus Dumbledore

Post-it notes

"BROOOOOOO."

"Haters gonna hate."

The fact that Lissa Skitolsky exists (she's my philosophy professor & she is AWESOME)

Audrey Hepburn movies

Movies with awesome soundtracks

Fishtail braids

Red hair

Blonde hair

Brown hair

Hair the color of the rainbow

SKITTLES

Happy babies

Glitter

Having a deep conversation with someone you're close to

New York City

Funny or Die

YouTube

People being idiots on the Internet (errrrm...)

Lots of rain = super green grass

Strawberries, either fresh or covered in chocolate

SUMMERTIME <3

Glee

Spice Girls

Photobooths

Books

Old book smell

How beautiful the Ave looks as the sun rises over these dark clouds

I'll stop here for now.

004. Confession

Hi. My name is Marlyn. I'm 20 years old.
I have depression, generalized anxiety disorder, some kind of eating disorder (probably EDNOS), and I self-harm.

This is the last day I'm letting these things control my life.

003. Book & Movie Lists

I'm currently making up my lists of books and movies I want to see.

GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS! Pretty plz?