007. spider

HOLY COW.
Pretty sure I just saw a spider.

Now I forget what I was going to blog about. ):<



Stupid spiders, ruining every-thang.

006. I need to bitch.

Warning: eating disorder stuff.

I'm sitting here, eating this AMAZING vegan 10 spice hummus and first thing I think of is, "woo, this is SO low in calories." And that reminded me of a meeting I had earlier with my psychatrist. He knows about the eating stuff.

After telling my parents about all the fun shit I've been going through, they set up appointments with my psychiatrist & the family psychologist. I had my appointment with the psychiatrist today and I feel like he wasn't really paying attention. He even told me, "You know alcohol has calories in it. So even if you starve yourself, you'll make up for it in calories in the alcohol."

NO SHIT.

It just angers me that because I'm not underweight or intetnionally throwing up that no one takes me seriously. People are continually telling me I'm a very intelligent, aware young woman. So how come when I'm telling you that "hey, I think I fit the criteria for EDNOS," I keep getting told, "Oh, you're fine. Just exercise and eat proper portions." IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

Here's what DSM-IV says:

Diagnostic Criteria for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified
(Adapted from DSM-IV-TR)

1. All diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except the menstrual cycle is normal.
2. All diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except weight is normal for height and age even after considerable weight loss.
3. All diagnostic criteria for bulimia nervosa are met, but the frequency of binges is less than twice weekly and for a duration of less than 3 months.
4. There are recurring efforts to compensate (such as self-induced vomiting) for eating only small amounts of food, but body weight is normal for height and age.
5. Regularly chewing and spitting out large quantities of food without swallowing.
6. Binge-eating disorder - regular episodes of binge eating, but with no recurring efforts to compensate, such as such as purging or excessive exercise.

I fit criteria numbers 1, 2, & 5. But, oh, Marlyn, what is the diagnostic criteria for anorexia? GLAD YOU ASKED.

Diagnostic Criteria for Anorexia Nervosa
(Adapted from DSM-IV-TR)

• Body weight is less than is considered normal for height and age. Weight is consistently less than 85% of that expected, which can be due to either weight loss, or failure to gain weight during growth.
• Despite being underweight, there is an intense fear of putting on weight and becoming fat.
• Refusal to accept low body weight as a problem, excessive influence of body weight and shape on self-worth, or a distorted body image perception.
• Amenorrhea (abnormal absence of a minimum of three successive menstrual cycles).

My BMI is 20.8 (EDNOS criteria number 2) and I still get my period regularly (EDNOS criteria number 1). But everything else is still there; I have had nightmares about getting so fat that I explode or turn into Violet from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and Oompla Loompas have to roll me away. Even though I'm trying to get better, there's still a part of me that says that 105 lbs at 5'7" is acceptable. That's a BMI of 16.4!

It really just pisses me off when adults are telling me that I'm so smart, so intelligent, so aware, then I'm like "Yo. I think I've got some fucked-up eating disorder." But because I'm not puking my guts out or starving myself so that I look like a walking skeleton, they shake their heads and say, "Nah, you're fine." NO. I'M NOT. THAT'S WHY I'M REACHING OUT FOR HELP. That's why I've kept this to myself for 2 years. I'm so aware that no one who can help me understands the hell I'm going through.

I'm really sick, so I'm going to go to bed now. /end rant.

005. Things to be happy about

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." -Frederick Keonig

My list of things to be happy about

I have a wonderful, supportive, loving family.

I have the best, weirdest, most loving friends that allow me to be my weird, wacky self.

I'm completely in love with a really amazing guy.

I got into a really tough school and I'm so lucky that they have such an understanding, wonderful faculty.

My major is something I love doing (RADIOOO), so I'll never have to work a day in my life.

I have my physical health (hopefully).

The sun is slowly rising over Selinsgrove right now.

I have a very comfy bed.

I have lots of tea I could make. :D

And CHOCOLATE I COULD EAT OMNOMNOM.

I have part-time jobs I like a lot.

Birds are chirping right now. (:

I have a special project in mind for my 2 best friends here at SU who are going through the same rough stuff I am.

I have been through dark times before; I can make it again.

Two words: Harry. Potter.

And SpongeBob SquarePants. (Go ahead & judge, bro. I love me some SpongeBob.)

The feeling of sand between my toes.

CHINESE FOOD.

LuAnn (formerly Jennifer, formerly Bleeker) is a pretty sturdy car, even for being almost 17 years old and having close to 235,000 miles on it.

Humor is the best ever.

Cuddling under a blanket during a rainy day and reading a book.

Watching a favorite movie over and over.

Philly chicken cheesesteaks.

How about just cheese? I love cheese.

Owls.

Robots.

Riot grrrl (The DJ and the music genre)

Alternative music

Feminism

Ramen noodles

Peanut butter

Volkswagen cars

Subaru cars

My brother, who knows everything there is to know about cars.

The Ramones

The Clash

Comfy sweaters

Albus Dumbledore

Post-it notes

"BROOOOOOO."

"Haters gonna hate."

The fact that Lissa Skitolsky exists (she's my philosophy professor & she is AWESOME)

Audrey Hepburn movies

Movies with awesome soundtracks

Fishtail braids

Red hair

Blonde hair

Brown hair

Hair the color of the rainbow

SKITTLES

Happy babies

Glitter

Having a deep conversation with someone you're close to

New York City

Funny or Die

YouTube

People being idiots on the Internet (errrrm...)

Lots of rain = super green grass

Strawberries, either fresh or covered in chocolate

SUMMERTIME <3

Glee

Spice Girls

Photobooths

Books

Old book smell

How beautiful the Ave looks as the sun rises over these dark clouds

I'll stop here for now.

004. Confession

Hi. My name is Marlyn. I'm 20 years old.
I have depression, generalized anxiety disorder, some kind of eating disorder (probably EDNOS), and I self-harm.

This is the last day I'm letting these things control my life.

003. Book & Movie Lists

I'm currently making up my lists of books and movies I want to see.

GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS! Pretty plz?

002. THE LISSSST

THE TO-DO LIST. I may have mentioned it.

Little life things
Buy the complete series of Daria on DVD
Make a list of books I want to read and read them all
Make a list of movies I want to watch and watch them all
Keep a private journal for myself (because putting all of my feelings on the Internet is silly)
Get my third earlobe piercings
Get my tragus pierced (possibly... still deciding on this one)


Big life things (that probably require tons of money and/or courage)
Get an adult job that pays more than minimum wage
Go to Canada, Ireland, Russia, Spain, Poland, & other countries
Get published somehow
Get a tattoo
Go scuba diving
Learn all I can about women's studies/gender studies/feminism


Skillz...because people like girls with skillz
Go on freerice.com every day and learn some bigger words. People like smart girls. 
Learn to skateboard (in the process already!)
Learn to surf
Relearn the guitar
Learn to cook things other than Easy Mac
Change the oil in my car
Learn how to change a flat tire
Get an SLR camera and learn photography
Create a zine

List is open to change. I can add or delete anything on this list at any time.

With that said, you might have noticed I have 2 things bolded. Really? No? OK. Well, I do: learning words on freerice.com & learning to skateboard. Free Rice is sweet; you learn some words and for every correct word, they donate 10 grains of rice to help end world hunger. So guess what I'm doing instead of sleeping? Helping end world hunger AND expanding my vocabulary! I'm such a deep human being!

I also randomly bought a $10 skateboard at Walmart yesterday. I hate it. The wheels are too small, therefore I'm not going fast, which makes me really angryyyy. But it's a skateboard from Walmart for beginners who probably don't even know how to stand on it. What could I expect really?

Although at one point, I skateboarded through the student center while drinking coffee at the same time. Baller.

001. What the funky funk is "Happy Little Hawk"?

Sup, bros?

My name is Marlyn and for some odd reason, I decided to make this blog, entitled "Happy Little Hawk." Well, it's not an odd reason, but Marlyn is a really odd name. It's NOT pronounced like any of the following: Marilyn, Marlene, Merlin, Maryland, Maura-Lynn, etc. MAR, like "car", and LYNN, like the name.

Why is my name so damn important? If you try to look up the meaning of Marlyn on the internet, it just says it's a variant on "Marilyn" or "Marlene." This website says it means "bitter lake" (what makes a lake bitter?), but I know Mary is known for being a "sea of bitterness". This one says it means "rebel lake" (scroll down to number 1995). But this website says it's Hebrew for "little hawk or falcon," regardless of sex. I always liked that meaning.

Not to get all Debbie Downer, but I've had my mental health issues. Recently, they've just become worse, so I decided to go to my school's counseling center and got placed with the best Tinkerbell lookalike ever. Every Tuesday, I see her, we talk, I cry, but leave feeling pretty good and optimistic.

Today, we were talking about healthy activities to do, like journaling, or skateboarding. (Because I bought a $10 skateboard at Wal-Mart last night). My counselor said she took up the violin and got really good at it. She said that journaling or playing the violin might not be for me, but I'll find something.

Because I love lists, I decided to make a list of all the stuff I've wanted to do. I don't want to call it a "bucket list" because, to be quite honest, unless Morgan Freeman is going to narrate my life and do all the fun stuff on my "bucket list" with me, then I'm not calling it a "bucket list." Think of it more as a to-do list. I'll post the to-do list at some point or another, and basically this blog is just me doing things I think will make me happy. I might physically injure myself in the process, which is ALWAYS hilarious.

It's midnight & I'm exhausted & I might regret starting a blog in the morning, BUT I DON'T CARRRRE.

Till then,

Mar