006. I need to bitch.

Warning: eating disorder stuff.

I'm sitting here, eating this AMAZING vegan 10 spice hummus and first thing I think of is, "woo, this is SO low in calories." And that reminded me of a meeting I had earlier with my psychatrist. He knows about the eating stuff.

After telling my parents about all the fun shit I've been going through, they set up appointments with my psychiatrist & the family psychologist. I had my appointment with the psychiatrist today and I feel like he wasn't really paying attention. He even told me, "You know alcohol has calories in it. So even if you starve yourself, you'll make up for it in calories in the alcohol."

NO SHIT.

It just angers me that because I'm not underweight or intetnionally throwing up that no one takes me seriously. People are continually telling me I'm a very intelligent, aware young woman. So how come when I'm telling you that "hey, I think I fit the criteria for EDNOS," I keep getting told, "Oh, you're fine. Just exercise and eat proper portions." IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

Here's what DSM-IV says:

Diagnostic Criteria for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified
(Adapted from DSM-IV-TR)

1. All diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except the menstrual cycle is normal.
2. All diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except weight is normal for height and age even after considerable weight loss.
3. All diagnostic criteria for bulimia nervosa are met, but the frequency of binges is less than twice weekly and for a duration of less than 3 months.
4. There are recurring efforts to compensate (such as self-induced vomiting) for eating only small amounts of food, but body weight is normal for height and age.
5. Regularly chewing and spitting out large quantities of food without swallowing.
6. Binge-eating disorder - regular episodes of binge eating, but with no recurring efforts to compensate, such as such as purging or excessive exercise.

I fit criteria numbers 1, 2, & 5. But, oh, Marlyn, what is the diagnostic criteria for anorexia? GLAD YOU ASKED.

Diagnostic Criteria for Anorexia Nervosa
(Adapted from DSM-IV-TR)

• Body weight is less than is considered normal for height and age. Weight is consistently less than 85% of that expected, which can be due to either weight loss, or failure to gain weight during growth.
• Despite being underweight, there is an intense fear of putting on weight and becoming fat.
• Refusal to accept low body weight as a problem, excessive influence of body weight and shape on self-worth, or a distorted body image perception.
• Amenorrhea (abnormal absence of a minimum of three successive menstrual cycles).

My BMI is 20.8 (EDNOS criteria number 2) and I still get my period regularly (EDNOS criteria number 1). But everything else is still there; I have had nightmares about getting so fat that I explode or turn into Violet from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and Oompla Loompas have to roll me away. Even though I'm trying to get better, there's still a part of me that says that 105 lbs at 5'7" is acceptable. That's a BMI of 16.4!

It really just pisses me off when adults are telling me that I'm so smart, so intelligent, so aware, then I'm like "Yo. I think I've got some fucked-up eating disorder." But because I'm not puking my guts out or starving myself so that I look like a walking skeleton, they shake their heads and say, "Nah, you're fine." NO. I'M NOT. THAT'S WHY I'M REACHING OUT FOR HELP. That's why I've kept this to myself for 2 years. I'm so aware that no one who can help me understands the hell I'm going through.

I'm really sick, so I'm going to go to bed now. /end rant.